MizSmartypants.com

Instead of having a super long post about my dieting history, I thought I’d break it up. Not only that, but I didn’t realize it would be so much information. If I had not started to fade, I probably would have rambled on and on. Since it was several years ago and I’ve since shredded my journals, I can’t recall everything and my ramblings would have been pointless, like now. *S*To try to catch up… New job, boyfriend, friends, apartment and life since my weight watchers attempt. Now on to Phentermine.

MAY 2006 Steve and I had been together for over a year by now, and with each month, I got bigger and bigger. My supervisor was looking fabulous and it leaked that she was on Phentermine. I went to my doc for a med check (on anti-depressants) and cried that I was at a loss (or not losing) with my weight. I don’t remember if I hinted at Phentermine or if she brought it up.  Again, I was at my NOW heaviest of 262 and wanted to die.  Before she would give me Phentermine she explained that it was a tool to learn how to eat better. I equated it to having training wheels. In 6 months (the length allowed to be on Phen) the wheels would come off and I’d be able to ride into the sunset healthier, smarter about food and thinner.

I started out with 15mg a day. Dr. also said I had to see a dietitian.

Ah yes, the visit with Dr. C the dietitian. I had to have a food diary with at least 3 days on it prior to my visit. She glanced over it and told me what I was doing wrong. I knew what I was doing wrong, eating sweets and junk food! As crazy as it sounds I wasn’t eating enough though. She handed me a poster with foods and their fat/crab/calorie amounts. Then I was told I had to eat 5-6 small meals a day consisting of no more than 3oo calories per meal, and drink 8 glasses of water a day. I was then given a hand out with foods that are high in fiber and protein, and then sent on my merry way.  WTF?  I paid $150 for a visit that lasted all about 15 minutes.

I’m not stupid, but I felt I needed a little more education as to how to get the most out of my 300 calorie meals. I was hoping I’d hang the poster on the fridge and it would become all magical and tell me what to eat and what not to eat. I needed someone to go shopping with me and point out how to eat healthy on my junk food cheapo budget. Did I mention I don’t cook? How do you go from eating out, eating mac and cheese, pizza, and fast food, to healthy nutritious and smart? I DON’T KNOW!  I wasn’t about to pay another $150 (that insurance doesn’t cover) to find out. I should have given Dr. C a chance, but the way she was during our first chat, lets just say the vibes weren’t good. Back to the wonder pill!

I was happy thus far. My hunger was curbed and at my first month check-up I had lost 9lbs.  I was upset that it wasn’t more, but Dr. was happy. Here is when she threw in that she didn’t want me losing more than 3lbs a week. It wasn’t safe and besides, the faster it came off, the faster it was likely to come back. Oh ok! Since my heart was fine along with my other vitals, Dr. bumped me up to 30mg a day.

WOOOOHOOOOO! I had to force myself to eat!  I didn’t want chocolate at all and had energy like never before. It was fabulous! On the down side, by week 2, I started getting uber grumpy.  At work I wanted to rip people’s heads off.  I had absolutely no patience whatsoever. I wanted to choke my boyfriend for breathing and I wanted to kick my cats. NOT GOOD!  I called my Dr. before my next monthly check-up and told her about this so she put me on Zoloft.  Within a few days, the Hulkette disappeared. I continued to eat better, and was great about keeping up with my food journal. Dr. was right. When you’re not starving you eat to be able to function, but nothing more. After not having “junk” for a while, I wasn’t missing it and didn’t want it. It’s going to work this time I thought. I’m going to loss weight, have a better relationship with food and all that.

Later in the summer I started getting real sick. I was having the stomach flu constantly. I was missing so much work. In September I decided to go see a doctor before I got fired. I was also tired of everyone snickering that I was just pregnant. I had labs, an ultrasound, an endoscopy, and hyda scan.  I asked each doc I saw if it was the Phentermine and they said no. The crappy thing was that I was hardly taking it by this point so the weight stopped. I didn’t resort to eating lots again, because I was always sick. It got so bad, the smell of food made me sick. Anytime I ate out, I’d get so overwhelmed by the smells in the restaurant I’d go out to the parking lot and vomit my dinner. Did I lose weight this way? NO!

Turns out my gallbladder just quit functioning properly. Whatever that means. In December of 2006 I had surgery to have it removed. It took until January to fully recover and things to get back to normal. I didn’t have any Phentermine left and when I went in for my yearly, the doctor said no more. Even though I had been ill and not taking it my time was up and the training wheels came off. Total weight loss was 31lbs.

Soon I reverted back to my old ways. I was told to keep up with my food journal (yes, it really does help IF YOU DO IT) exercise and what weight I’d lost would stay off and I’d keep losing. Needless to say, I started gaining.

If the doctors that lectured me on “you must eat right and exercise regularly and the weight will just fall off”, were once in my clothes at any size, maybe I would have had more faith. It sounds so easy to eat right, exercise and blah blah blah. NO IT ISN’T OR THERE WOULD NOT BE AN OBESITY EPIDEMIC WOULD THERE?

Burning down fast food places, bakeries, and soda plants wouldn’t save us all either. Would it?

My doc and her new NP took pity on me and the summer of 2007 I was introduced to something else…

In 12 days I go into the hospital to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I am not scared, nor do I have any doubts that it is the right thing to do. To help reassure myself though, I’m going to reflect on my past attempts and failures at weight loss.

I don’t want to start from the beginning. I’d be here for days droning on and on about my childhood and always being chubby. I don’t want to relive all the years of gaining and losing weight. I’m just going to start when my 2rd life began, moving to Montana. Fall of 1997: 22 years old, 5′1 180lbs

Over the next few years I’d gain more weight, but not really try to lose. It was always at the back of my mind, but I had so many other issues I was dealing with, I was on the verge of having a nervous break down. I finally realized I needed help and started seeing a counselor and taking anti-depressants. I want to add that I can be a drama queen sometimes and even though I may mention that “I wanted to die” I never really meant it. Even at my lowest, I never wanted to die. Sleep maybe, until things magically got better, but NEVER die.

I was finally starting to get my ducks in a row and aside from my weight, the rest of my life was pretty good. Of course something had to give, because a drama queen can’t always rule in a perfect world.

Spring 2001 226lbs. I cringe now because I thought I was the fattest ever and wanted to die. My then roommate talked me into doing Weight Watchers with her.  I was nervous, because it meant discipline and no cookies. It also meant weekly meetings with weigh-ins. My first week I lost three pounds and I thought it was the start of a whole new me. If I missed a meeting, my week was harder, but I charged on. Soon I couldn’t afford them anymore, but I was down to 209lbs and felt confident that I could keep going without the meetings. Then my roommate went on vacation.  She came home and admitted she basically stopped the program. Within two months I fell off the wagon too. What was even worse, we kept walking and going to the gym, but I still gained some of the weight back.

What the hell is wrong with me goes through my mind day and night. Why can’t I just get off my fat ass and exercise? Why can’t I keep up with a food journal? I’ve even tried online versions. (I thought it would be a cinch being that I spent half my waking hours in front of a computer either at work or at home.) Why can’t I continue to eat better after I’ve started? How hard can it be? Even though I tortured myself, nagged myself, beat myself, nothing changes.

I don’t have a HUGE appetite, but my weaknesses are cookies, cake, muffins, CARBS. UGH I also love love love diet coke, and latte’s. Give me a double shot with white chocolate and vanilla please!